Although it was decades ago, I remember it clearly, as if were yesterday. “Diane, is there anything I can help you with?” And she said, “If you have to ask, you don’t care.” I’ve been trying to figure out her answer for a long time.
I’m not alone, and Diane isn’t alone wishing she didn’t have to tell me. Yesterday while surfing, I came across a short article on a common complaint about husbands. Marriage counselor Corrin Voeller describes the difference between “active responsibility” and “passive responsibility.” “Active responsibility would be you looking around the house for things that you could do and taking responsibility for the things that need to happen within the house. (That’s what Dale should be doing.) Passive responsibility would be being available to help but waiting for someone to tell you what needs to be done.” That’s what Dale does. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
I like to think things through theologically, but I’ve come upon no quick biblical fix, no abracadabra to make us husbands more proactive. Is it a lifelong process, a year-by-year in marriage process? Greater than us husbands is Christ, He’s the Groom, and all of us are His Bride, the Church. The Groom sought us His Bride. He gave Himself for us, His Bride. He is still wooing all of us, His Bride. Growing into Christ is a lifelong process. “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:44-45). This applies to wives too. “Yup,” one woman posted. “After 26 years, I realized I was better off on my own. Now he’s having to figure out how to take care of himself. I don’t miss him.” She doesn’t get it either.
“O Spirit, who dost bind Our hearts in unity,
Who teachest us to find The love from self set free,
In all our hearts such love increase That ev’ry home by this release
May be a dwelling place of peace” (Lutheran Service Book, 863:3)
I hope I’ve gotten smarter. These days I don’t ask the question anymore. I try to watch and listen. She gives clues how I can help.